Monday, March 25, 2013

Coming to Sluggerrr's Defense

I’m sure everyone here has seen the Deadspin article featuring the beloved Royals mascot, Sluggerrr, in a compromising position with a stripper at what appears to be either a bachelor party or a bar mitzvah gone horribly wrong. But while many in the twitterverse were quick to throw Sluggerrr under the bus, I took my time examining the picture. And then I examined it a little bit more. Then I took an hour break, and then came back to examine it some more. Then I made it the screen saver on my computer just to get a different perspective. And after my close examination of the picture – strictly for academic purposes – I came up with a much different conclusion to the picture.

Let’s throw out the conspiracy theory that the mascot in the picture is a Sluggerrr from a 2005 picture and that the mystery was updated later on the Deadspin article that originally broke it [WARNING: No black bars on picture in this site], and that the guy in the mascot costume is no longer Sluggerrr. After all, that would just be taking away from the bigger story, and that is the shame that everyone who criticized Sluggerrr in the first place should feel. Who the heck do you guys/gals think you are?!

Being the heart of the party is in Sluggerrr’s job description. Don’t believe me? This is straight from the Royals website for the Sluggerrr's Den: “Whether it's a retirement party, birthday, tailgate visit Sluggerrr loves to be a part of everyone's extra special occasion. Never missing an opportunity to be the center of attention in anything he does, be sure to invite Sluggerrr to make sure your next special occasion is filled with Sluggerrr and his antics!

Is a bachelor party not a special occasion? Was Sluggerrr not the center of attention? Was the occasion not filled with Sluggerrr and his antics? You might see an extremely inappropriate lap dance on a character who is better known for shooting hot dogs out of a canon and entertaining kids at birthday parties, but what I see is a hard-working mascot going that extra mile to truly deliver a memory worth tweeting about 8 years later. And that is how fans are made.

That brings me to my next point. Get past the fact that there is a naked chick grinding on Sluggerrr’s crotch, what exactly is he doing wrong? Despite the fact that there is a fantastically attractive and fantastically nude stripper doing her job on his Louisville Slugger Commemorative Bat, Sluggerrr is handling the situation like a real gentleman. His arms are back behind his head, in a relaxed position, obviously respecting the no-hands rule that many strippers like to use.

And we don’t know the complete circumstances of the encounter. One-third of all strippers are working their way through college (I got that information from the same site that said 95% of stats are made up), and maybe Sluggerrr was just doing some philanthropy of helping a local college student, short on cash, be able to afford her next biology book. We don’t know, but who’s to say that’s not what really happened?

Finally, and my most important point: have you ever been in a mascot costume? I have, and it’s not a pleasant experience. It’s hot, has poor circulation, and the padding is about an inch thick. All those things considered, and the lap-dance Sluggerrr received was probably more of a dingle-tease than normal, and was most likely not very enjoyable. Who even knows if the guy inside that costume can even see the girl? The views looking out of the mascot are never great. Heck, Sluggerrr might not have even known what was going on, and was unknowingly taken advantage of, only know finding out that wasn’t just a really friendly Labrador dog that just wanted to play while he was taking his daily siesta.

Now that you’ve considered all of these scenarios, I hope you feel guilty about jumping to conclusions about Sluggerrr. And maybe the next time you’re at Kauffman Stadium, and Sluggerrr is shooting wieners out of an even larger wiener gun, you can finally realize that Sluggerrr is not a delinquent, but someone to be admired.

To book Sluggerrr, and all of his antics, click this link

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